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How Mimetic Desire Affects Network Building

While it can be easy to decide what we like based on the opinions of our friends, we shouldn’t use that same logic when deciding who we like.

Author

Devin Keane
July 19, 2023

Reminder! Subscribers with one or more referrals will have access to a bonus takeaway each week. More rewards for more referrals will be announced in the coming weeks🎉 Now let’s dive in…

Read time: 5 minutes

Hi Proactive Professional,

Last week, we concluded our four part series on How to Win Friends and Influence People, where we covered all things from getting new connections to give you the time of day to influencing their behaviors in positive ways (check out the most recent edition here).

This week, we’re covering a more abstract, albeit “obvious,” psychological force and how it impacts our network building: mimetic desire. At its core, mimetic desire is simply imitation. It’s actually one of the first things we do when we’re born (literally as early as 43 minutes after being born based on studies). As we age, the only thing that changes is our self-awareness around just how often we imitate others in everyday life.

Maybe you’re thinking, “surely that’s not true, I’m an independent thinker and make my own choices.”

Think about the job you have, the college you went to, the hobbies and activities you participate in. What made you interested in those? Who showed you it could be fun to participate in the Barbenheimer trend? That person is your model. Not “model” in the Hadid sense, I’m referring to mimetic models—people who show us what is worth wanting. Whether it’s someone close to you, like a parent or friend, or someone unattainable, like a celebrity or influencer you follow, your desire started by looking at someone else.

Credit: Luke Burgis

How often do you find yourself scrolling through TikTok and simultaneously hitting “add to cart” because an influencer you follow called something a “must have?” Did you even know that item existed before she said that? Now you feel like you too must have it. Now imagine you used the same logic when deciding who to interact with, who to learn from, and who you want in your personal network.

To help understand how mimetic desire influences the way we build our networks, we’re referencing Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life by Luke Burgis (along with the age-old adage we’ve all heard from our parents at one point in life: “If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?”).

In part one of this two part series, I show that being aware of our mimetic desires can help us better navigate building a meaningful network.

Here are 4 ways to recognize the power of mimetic desire in connecting—avoiding the negative, embracing the positive:

1. Recognize Models for What They Are

  • Takeaway: “When we don’t recognize them, we are easily drawn into unhealthy relationships with them. They begin to exert an outsize influence on us. We often become fixated on them without realizing it. The first step is bringing them to light."

  • Tip: Not one individual possesses the ideal blueprint for networking success. We are all unique, meaning we will need to blend attributes from different people and networking journeys as well as our own. Becoming fixated on a single person's success story can derail you from that unique journey, steering you towards paths that don’t align with your personal goals. So, every now and then, hit the pause button and examine your motives. If your decisions are influenced by mirroring every aspect of another's success, reconsider. Chasing an ambition that isn't truly yours can lead to burnout and take you far away from your original goals.

2. Find Sources of Wisdom That Withstand Mimesis

  • Takeaway: “What is our basis for taking a source as authoritative? Is it because we checked all of the person’s credentials?…Or is it because the person has the most followers on social media and a “Verified” sticker next to their name? Authority is more mimetic than we like to believe. The fastest way to become an expert is to convince a few of the right people to call you an expert."

  • Tip: In today's information-dense world, people often mistake popularity for expertise, adopting advice that has worked for others as their own golden rule. However, remember that what works for one person may not necessarily work for you. As we foster meaningful connections, it's crucial to be discerning with the advice we absorb. We should balance it against trusted, proven knowledge sources like selective books or established figures in the field. Be wary of false prophets, and don't let the allure of social media popularity be the final arbiter of truth.

3. Use Imitation to Drive Innovation

  • Takeaway: “If we’re free from the burden of trying to be completely original, we can stop trying to make something out of nothing, and we can embrace influence instead of running away from it."

  • Tip: Understand when you should lean into the mimesis in a relationship. For instance, Ferruccio Lamborghini's supercar was born out of a desire to rectify perceived flaws in Ferrari's design. The lesson here is—embrace the head start and make it your own. Through consuming literature, studying successful individuals, and connecting with models around us, we can utilize their wisdom as a springboard to build something uniquely ours.

4. Avoid Mimetic Conformity by Establishing a Clear Hierarchy of Values

  • Takeaway: “Without a hierarchy of values, which helps form and direct desires, we can’t even begin to think about what to pay attention to and to what degree."

  • Tip: “You need to build a strong network." This advice propels many of us to amass as many connections as possible. However, this can sometimes be a classic example of mimetic conformity in networking. Instead of following the herd, focus on defining your values and reflecting upon your personal and professional objectives. Does your success hinge on a focused network of meaningful connections with particular expertise, or a sprawling network of varied skill sets? Opt for the approach that aligns best with your goals. Remember—time is finite. This isn’t Pokémon, you can’t “catch ‘em all.”

BONUS: 5. Available to Subscribers With at Least 1 Referral

  • Takeaway: 🤫

  • Tip: 🤫

  • Example of My Positive Networking Flywheel: 🤫

Remember, models are not necessarily affecting you in a negative way. The important part is recognizing your mimetic tendencies, dropping the bad mimesis that diverts you from goals, and adjusting the good mimesis uniquely to your style.

This way, next time someone asks you “if your friend jumped off a cliff, would you follow,” you can respond with “yes, right after checking my parachute.”

What I am committing to this week for both networking and building awareness of my mimetic desires (time commitment ~3 hours):

  • 🍽 Grabbing dinner with the former co-worker that recommended (and gifted!) “Wanting” to me (~1.5 hours)

  • 📞 Expanding my network by having an initial phone call with a recommended connection (~30 minutes)

  • 🔄 Adding momentum to my positive networking flywheel of desire mentioned in the Bonus Takeaway (~30 minutes)

  • 🤔 Reflecting on my week this Friday: Are new connections I made this week aligned with the network I want to create or am I networking for networking’s sake (~30 minutes)

What are you committing to this week? Reply to this email!

Best of luck building,

Devin