4 Ways To Persuade Others to See Your Perspective

1. Avoid Arguing, Show Respect, Never Say “You’re Wrong”

• Takeaway: “You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”

• Tip: Relationships don’t become stronger by proving a connection wrong. The brief rush of being right is far outweighed by the resentment you have begun to form in one of your connections, and there is nothing admirable about that. Have you ever lost an argument and thanked the other for correcting you? Probably not often, if at all. So even if you know the other is wrong, why not start with “I may be wrong, but I thought this,” and have a conversation about it. Remember—when two people yell, there is no listening, just noise. That is no way to strengthen connections.

2. If You Are Wrong, Admit Quickly and Emphatically

• Takeaway: “If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips?”

• Tip: Rather than defend your mistake, try immediately admitting to it. Fighting tooth and nail to show why it wasn’t your fault is a surefire way to deteriorate your relationship. By instead admitting to being wrong, you make people drop their defensiveness by beating them to the punch. When you humanize yourself by admitting you’re wrong, the other person will often try to lighten the blow on your behalf. The result? No harm done to the relationship.

3. See Things From the Other’s POV and be Sympathetic to Their Ideas

• Takeaway: “Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.”

• Tip: People are a product of their environment and the information available to them. It could be no fault to them that they are wrong in an action or on a particular topic. Knowing this could be the case, move away from laying into them, and try to put yourself in their shoes. It’s easy to choose anger and abrasiveness but it’s difficult to show sympathy and understanding. The upside is the latter breeds cooperativeness in difficult conversations, which allows you to sustain and even build on the connection.

4. Even in Disagreement, First Find Common Ground

• Takeaway: “In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.”

• Tip: No one wants to put a relationship on the line at the cost of a single disagreement. Why, then, do we often handle them so poorly? We opt to begin a difficult conversation by saying “no” or being combative about the other person’s position on a topic. The only thing “no” does here is encourage the other person to further dig their heels in on their position. How can they back down or find common ground if the first thing you do is get them to reject what you’re saying? Instead, start difficult conversations by focusing on areas of agreement. It makes you more agreeable and shows that you want mutually beneficial outcomes.

What I am committing to do to improve those disagreeable moments (time commitment ~1.5 hours):

• 🍔 Practicing productive disagreement by debating whether Five Guys is superior to In-N-Out with some west coast connections (~30 minutes)

• 📺 Furthering my learning about disagreeing productively by watching this TED talk (~20 minutes)

• 🤔 Reflecting on my week this Friday: Did I start off any disagreements by exclaiming “you’re wrong” rather than opt to find common ground (~30 minutes)

What are you committing to this week? Reply to this email!