5 Ways Dale Carnegie Got Others to Like Him

Welcome to buildbetter, your weekly guide to understanding and building meaningful relationships in all aspects of your life.

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Read time: 5 minutes

Today at a glance:

• Topic: Becoming more likable

• Tactic: How Dale Carnegie got others to like him

• Devin's Finds: 🎧, 📰, 🎞

• Commitments: 🤝

Whether you like it or not, we are wired to want other people to like us. We have an innate desire to belong that dates back thousands of years to when we relied on social groups for food, shelter, and security. Often, not belonging to your tribe could mean life or death, so people instinctually tried to fit in with the group.

That desire to be liked has evolved in good and bad ways.

The Good

Belonging and meaningful connection are important psychological needs. Asides from basic needs like food, water, and safety, there is hardly anything more important than the connections we have, don't believe me? Check out Maslow's Hierarch of Needs.

Meaningful relationships have to start with both people genuinely liking each other, so wanting others to like us is an important instinct to have.

The Bad

It's in our nature to try and get as many people as possible to like us. Many of whom are not worth our time. Maybe because they treat you transactionally, poorly, or cause you to prioritize the wrong short-term relationships over the meaningful long-term ones.

Wasting your time and energy getting the wrong people to like you compounds negatively over time. You'll end up losing out on the real friends, support systems, and experiences that make life so enjoyable.

It's so important to focus on getting the right people to like us and not overcomplicating it. For that, let's turn to one of the original experts on relationships and connection: Dale Carnegie. If you aren't familiar, Carnegie wrote the famous book How to Win Friends and Influence People, which is packed with impactful advice in Dale Carnegie's own words on how build meaningful relationships.

Dale Carnegie on Getting Others to Like You

1. Become Genuinely Interested in Other People

Okay, you don't have to love all your connections—that may land you in a weird situation. However, we do know that the only way to be interesting is to be genuinely interested. Stop trying to make connections by speaking about yourself. Focus on them, avoid flattery, and remember the small details that matter most to that person. The best way to help others while helping yourself is to keep the spotlight on the most important thing—them!

2. Smile

Smiling is a simple yet powerful habit that is often overlooked when it comes to building likability. How do we keep forgetting about this? Maybe it's because people think that the action of smiling can only follow the feeling of being happy. If they are not happy, they forget to smile. However, the relationship between action and feeling is closer than we realize. By regulating the action, we can indirectly regulate the feeling. Not to mention, science tells us that when we smile, our brain releases tiny molecules that fight off stress, and then other neurotransmitters like dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins come into play to boost your mood. It's no wonder that we are better received, both in person and over the phone, when we have a genuine smile on our faces.

3. Remember and Use the Person's Name

When you meet someone, find a method that helps you remember their name effectively. You'll be amazed at how the simple act of knowing someone's name adds significance to the information you share or the favor you ask. Whether you're interacting with a waiter or a CEO, using their name more frequently will work wonders.

5 Steps to Remembering Someone’s Name:

1. Stop saying you’re bad at names

2. Say their name back to them

3. Make associations in your head

4. Say their name slowly and intentionally one more time

5. If you forget, own up to it and ask

   Credit: Zapier

4. Be a Good Listener and Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves

Develop the skill of asking open-ended questions that encourage others to share. Discover what they are most interested and passionate about. Remember, the people you interact with are significantly more interested in themselves, their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. If you want someone to write you off quickly, never listen for long, talk only about yourself, and interrupt often…Let's avoid that!

5. Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests

As you actively listen and begin to narrow in on things that interest them, try to find some common ground with that person. If you can relate to those interests, speak to them and see what their opinion is. If you know you are having a conversation ahead of time, research some of those interests. Alternatively, you can let the other person teach you about their interests, which can be a great opportunity for learning. I surely have never turned down an opportunity to speak about soccer or Arsenal (except conversations about bottling the league for the second year in a row...There's always next year!).

What do all of these things have in common when used? They all make the person you are interacting with feel important, and that is the key to making others like you. As Carnegie mentions:

Whether it’s your first time meeting, a budding relationship, or a connection you have had for years, remember to make the person feel important. But most importantly, make sure you’re investing your time and energy into relationships that are truly mutual.

Devin's Finds:

🎧 Cal Fussman on Compounding Human Connections (~75 minute listen): Cal Fussman is a legendary journalist known for his storytelling and ability to authentically connect with others. This has led him to interviewing nearly every prolific figure you could imagine such as Mikhail Gorbachev, Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, Muhammad Ali, Serena Williams and many presidents and leaders. He gives incredible advice but my favorite takeaway was to first aim your questions at someone’s heart to create a real connection, then at the head, and eventually towards the soul.

📰 10 Types of Odd Friendships You’re Probably Part Of by Tim Urban (15 minute read): This is from Tim’s famous Wait But Why blog and it dives into many of the different types of odd friendships you likely have today. He makes the point that many friendships fall into the problematic or toxic categories yet we still commit time and energy to getting these people to like us. I like to use his framework when thinking about where I allocate my time for my friends.

🎞 A 1 minute Instagram reel showing how likable you are to another person can often be determined by the first three words you respond to them with. He explains how to show interest for the other person in those first three words ⬇

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Best of luck building,

Devin