What the Loneliness Epidemic Says About the Way We Connect

Read time: 5 minutes

Hi Proactive Professional,

The more I read about the loneliness epidemic, the more enthralled I become. 

If you’re not aware of the term, the loneliness epidemic refers to people feeling isolated, invisible and insignificant at the highest levels ever. The US Surgeon General released a report in 2023 that stated: 

• The health effects of loneliness is comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day

• Around half of U.S. adults report experiencing loneliness, with the highest rates among young adults: millennials at 71% and Gen Z at 79%

• 12% of people say they have no close friends 

More than ever, people lack the feeling of being connected to those around them. This is something that hits close to home, because I've felt this way before. Hell, I still feel this way from time to time and I've been spending the last 9 months focusing on connections.

But when I first read about this months ago, I was shocked because on some level, we all know two things to be true:.

1. Feeling connected to those around us is extremely important

Belonging and connection are an important psychological need. Aside from our basic needs of food, water, and safety, there really isn’t much that’s more important. But don't just take my word for it, check out Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs below:

2. We've entered the most digitally connected age ever

Need some type of connection? There's an app for that.

Romantic relationship ➡ Tinder, Hinge

Friend ➡ Bubble BFF, Saturday

Professional connection ➡ LinkedIn, Lunchclub

Mentorship and coaching ➡ Wave, Twenty

The list goes on and on.

(p.s. Hugo Amsellem even did a great deep dive on loneliness economy and technology that helps us belong.)

The effects of the pandemic supercharged our comfortability with "connecting" virtually through technology. This should be a good thing, right?

So how is it that we have entered into our most digitally connected age ever yet loneliness is at an all-time high?

A few things come to mind:

• The new ways we connect lack depth

• We face information overload from too many people we don't care much about

• We move locations and jobs more often

• Information is decentralized: we go to technology for answers rather than people

• We try replace in-person with online interaction

But most of all, we've become hardwired to prioritize the relationships right in front of us that can be valuable ASAP rather than building long-term relationships that compound over time. (Spoiler alert…the latter is where health, happiness, and wealth stem from).

Why do I need 2,000+ connections to keep track of when the ones that matter most are the 20-30 that would move the earth for me?

Not enough to help drive business value or career outcomes? Ok, then how about the 150 that could matter most at any given life stage? Why aren't we prioritizing the right type of relationships with these people? I'm not saying drop everyone else. But I am saying there's probably a power law to this: 80% of value is going to come from 20% of people that matter most. So make a habit of deeper relationships with those that matter.

"Matter most" doesn't mean making money. It means the relationships that cultivate personal fulfillment, a sense of belonging, and the opportunity to be exposed to the information and opportunities that fill you with passion.

So what does it actually mean to "feel connected?" Is it feeling close to others? Is it feeling seen, heard, or valued? Does it come from the friend you've had for 10+ years, the former co-workers you keep in touch with, or the short exchange with the barista when you go to Starbucks?

The answer is…Yes.

It's a bit of all of these things. The community you build around yourself should be well-rounded with many different types of interactions with people you have different relationships with. The most important part is the balance between breadth and depth of connections. Too much in either direction and you'll begin to build what I call "relationship debt" and feel that sense of loneliness.

Relationships shouldn't be a focus area only when you need it, it should be a habit you tend to constantly throughout your life.

Feeling connected doesn’t tend to get easier throughout life

Let me play out how it typically goes.

You start to make some bonds that will last for life in high school, then some of those drop off as you go to college and add some new connections to your life. Maybe you and many of those friends go separate ways post college. Keeping up is easy at first, but it quickly becomes difficult. You have new work priorities on your plate, you live in a new place, and there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. So, a few of those college relationships you hang on to, while the others are replaced with the new colleagues and friends you begin to make in this new stage of life.

As you find new jobs, hobbies, partners, and enter new stages of your life, this process happens over and over again. It’s just how life goes. But if you spend all the time focusing only on the people in front of your face at each stage, you'll quickly fall victim to the loneliness epidemic as well.

We need to find a better way to keep the people that mattered to us—the ones that played a meaningful role in our lives at some point—with us as we go to each new stage. Sure, the relationship will change a bit, but that doesn’t mean they should be thrown away.

Because at the end of the day, they are the ones that can give life more purpose.

A thought 🤔…There must be a space for technology to help us be intentional about the relationships we already have. Something that makes a habit out of keeping in touch with those 100-150 relationships that will matter throughout life. Maybe I'll try to build it, or maybe someone else will and I can help them do it.

Some content I'm consuming around this problem:

• Jay Shetty’s podcast (37 minutes) on powerful habits to avoid loneliness, feel connected and build authentic community

• Man of the Year podcast (40 minutes) on the three pillars of friendship with Shasta Nelson

• Alex Brogan’s Faster Than Normal newsletter (5 minutes) on 7 scientifically-backed tips on how to be a great friend

• Hugo Amsellem’s article on The Loneliness Economy: How can technology help us belong? (21 minutes)

Helpful links:

How can technology help us belong? By Hugo Amsellem 

Statista: Gen Z is Lonely

The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss

Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation - Surgeon General Advisory

Best of luck building,

Devin