4 Ways Asking for Advice Leads to Connection

Welcome to buildbetter, your weekly guide to understanding and building meaningful relationships in all aspects of your life.

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Read time: 4 minutes

Today at a glance:

• Topic: The role of advice in meaningful connection

• Tactic: Four ways seeking advice leads to connection

• Devin's Finds: 📰, 📰, 🎞

• Commitments: 🤝

I used to have a bit of an "advice" problem. The problem was, I liked to give it….all the time. Solicited, unsolicited, to the people I was speaking with, to the conversations I wasn't a part of, on the topics I know about and the ones I knew nothing about at all.

I thought if I'm giving my perspective, it's probably valuable!

If it's valuable, they appreciate it, which means I'm connecting with them on some level by "helping."

I could not have been more wrong. Most unsolicited advice may come from a good place, but it's hardly ever a way to connect meaningfully with someone.

In reality, you are much better off asking for advice.

When asking for advice, you're expressing vulnerability, asking questions, and talking tentatively—all important qualities of powerless communication which I showed plays a major role connecting with others last week.

How does Seeking Advice Lead to Connection?

There are four main benefits of advice seeking:

1. Learning Through Vulnerability

Advice is just a personal form of asking a vulnerable question. Vulnerable because it’s admitting that we are uncertain about something that affects us directly and we are implying that someone may have better experience or tools to make a suggestion.

It's important to remember that vulnerable doesn't mean weak in these situations. It actually opens up a conversation with someone to take a genuine interest in helping us learn.

2. Perspective taking

Asking for advice invites people to step into your shoes and see the world from your point of view. It's almost as if you are forcing them to be empathic to the situation you’re in.. As a result, they relate much more to what you are asking about and feel closer to you as they come up with solutions that can help.

3. Commitment

A recommendation is what wine you pair with a meal, but advice is much more personal than that. It requires thoughtful responses that take time and energy to come up with. When we give our time, energy or knowledge to someone else, we are much more heavily invested in the outcome of what they are dealing with and therefore more committed to continue to help them.

4. Flattery

By seeking advice, you are flattering the other person by saying they are in a position of superior knowledge or skills. It comes off as a compliment to them and really is the only genuine way to stroke their ego and have them feel connected to you.

The catch?

Advice-seeking only works if it's genuine. If someone suspects you are trying to manipulate them through strategically asking for advice, you are just going to come off as selfish and untrustworthy. So make sure to take a genuine and curious approach when asking for advice.

The common theme of asking for advice is that it makes others relate to you on a deeper level when done genuinely. This is how friendships, real business partnerships, and mentor / mentee relationships are formed. So next time you think you are connecting by adding value through inserting your opinion, reframe it by asking for their advice out of curiosity.

Devin's Finds:

📰 How to do what you love by Paul Graham (15 minute read): Paul Graham is the founder of Y Combinator and one of the clearest thinkers and writers I've ever come across. This is one of my favorite essays from him, and technically unsolicited advice since I stumbled upon it about two years ago. It discusses how "doing what you love" clashes with the traditional views of work and fun that we were taught as children and as a result can make us choose very unfulfilling careers. This is advice on how to move in the direction where your career and passions can be aligned. It's the first thing I point anyone to when they are questioning their work.

📰 Relationship Advice from 500 Years by Sahil Bloom (5 minute read): Sahil Bloom asked couples who have been married 40, 50, and 60+ years a simple question: What relationship advice would you give to your younger selves? and these were the results.

🎞 Sometimes a little advice to yourself is what you really need. Watch this 1 minute video. The message? Don’t overcomplicate life, focus on the things that matter—like friends and family ⬇

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Best of luck building,

Devin