4 Ways to Use Powerless Communication to Connect With Audiences

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Read time: 4 minutes

Today at a glance:

• Topic: The role of powerless communication in connecting with audiences

• Tactic: Four ways for effective powerless communication

• Devin's Finds: 🎧, 💭, 🎞

• Commitments: 🤝

Somewhere along the line, I was taught that if I wanted a group to listen to me I had to command the respect of the room. To establish authority superiority I needed to raise my voice, speak with confidence, command space, and use threats. Yes! That would be the way to win them over…

Now, I laugh at even writing those words.

I'm not sure where I picked up this idea of powerful communication being the right approach. Maybe it was some crummy public speaking course I took, maybe I picked it up on some TV show, or better yet, it could be the Long Islandese speak we used in any exchange growing up. After all, we're taught to take any chance we get to aggressively tell you that our bagels and pizza are better than yours (it's the wuhder!). Step into a Long Island deli and you'll learn about powerful communication the hard way…

This type of communication is flawed because it tries to establish dominance. But dominance is a zero-sum game—the more I have, the less you have. The second you come across someone willing to assert more dominance than you, you'll lose your influence.

Instead, we should be focused on establishing prestige in our communication style. 

Prestige isn't zero-sum, it's abundant because it's about respect and admiration. Prestige stems from a sense of connection to the groups you are speaking to.

But how do you develop prestige? 

Why Powerless Communication Builds Prestige

Unlike powerful communicators, powerless communicators are comfortable expressing doubt, speaking less assertively, asking for advice, and showing vulnerability. This can include revealing some weaknesses, using disclaimers, hedges, hesitations, and more.

However, don't mistake this for entering a presentation or group communication without having done the work or knowing the topic. There's a word for that: incompetence.

There’s even a phenomenon around this called the pratfall effect. It suggests that people find you more likable when you make a small mistake or show minor flaws, but only if you are already perceived as competent. In that case, you seem more human and relatable. Without competence, though, you'll be dismissed as a phony.

By using powerless communication, we establish a better sense of connection with our audience and by building prestige.

Effective Powerless Communication

There are a few things to keep in mind to use powerless communication to your advantage. 

1. Express Vulnerability in Ways That Are Unrelated to Competence

There's many ways to do this but I've found a light joke does the trick. It could be acknowledging you're nervous, the fact that you're much younger or older than the group you are speaking to, or any other light hearted self-deprecating remarks.

2. Leverage Curiosity and Questions

Asking questions is not a sign of weakness. It's actually a super tool you can use to build trust and gain knowledge about the people you're speaking to.

You can take this even further by reframing assertive communication (i.e. "You should buy this thing.") in the form of a question (i.e. "I'm curious, were you planning on buying this thing sometime soon?"). By doing so, you drastically increase the odds they will buy it because you are allowing them the power to choose rather than telling them to do something. This type of reframing leads to reflection rather than resistance.

Give and Take by Adam Grant sums this up nicely as "the art of advocacy."

3. Use Tentative Markers

People think tentative talk is a sign of weakness or lack of knowledge. But in reality, talking tentatively shows a willingness to defer to the listeners or at least take their input into consideration. This deepens the bond you have with the audience and further builds trust.

Some useful tentative markers include:

• Hesitations: "well," "um," "uh," "you know"

• Hedges: "probably," "maybe," "kinda," "sorta, " "I think"

• Disclaimers: "you may disagree, but;" "this may be a bad idea, but"

• Tag questions: "that's fascinating, right?" or "that's a good idea, isn't it?"

• Intensifiers: "really," "very," "quite"

4. Be Genuine!

This is the most important! If you are trying to fake any of these things, people will quickly see through it.

Devin's Finds:

🎧 Brian Chesky of Airbnb on the Crisis of Disconnection and Loneliness ( ~2 hour listen): This podcast was recommended to me by Andy who writes the Casa Cinco newsletter about curating connection. If you're interested in great writing and recs, you should check it out! The reason this podcast resonated deeply is because it shows one of the biggest names in tech, whose company literally promotes connection, discussing how he still is fighting loneliness in his personal life, how he has internalized it, and the changes he's making to live a more relationship focused life.

💭 This Tiny Thought from the Farnam Street Blog:

🎞 A 1 minute Instagram reel reminding us that we can do a better job of asking deeper questions when trying to build meaningful relationships with people—no matter the stage of knowing them ⬇

chriswillx

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Best of luck building,

Devin