How to Maintain Strong Friend Groups (Part 1)

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Read time: 4 minutes

Today at a glance:

• Series: Creating stronger friend groups (Part 1)

• Topic: Why friend groups may fizzle out

• Devin's Finds: 📰, 📰, 🎞

• Commitments: 🤝

Shared experience is a powerful way to establish a friend group. If you think about any of the friend groups you’re in, there is probably some common thread that connects you all—a classroom, workplace, team, hobby, or other shared interest.

It's why one of my close friend groups was formed in the first month of college. But it wasn't in the classroom, it was the month before classes started when the soccer, football, and volleyball players reported to campus for pre-season training.

Sure, we all were creating bonds with the actual teammates we had, but there was a unique shared experience taking place for the incoming freshmen across all the sports teams. It was our first time living away from home and we needed to learn to balance a demanding schedule of school, sports, travel, and fun. Since our schedules lined up so well, we ended up spending most of our time together outside of games—studying in the library, playing drinking games on our off days, nursing injuries in the training room, anywhere really.

It created a special group dynamic for about 20 of us across these sports. Fast forward 10 years, two of the people in that friend group are getting married and we just got back from a joint bachelor / bachelorette party to celebrate them.

Over the last decade, we've been lucky to experience countless group trips, belly laughs, happy moments, supporting through the tough moments, and always a whole lot of love.

Reflecting on my experience with this friend group versus others that have faded made me consider why some friend groups last while others fizzle out.

Why Friend Groups Fizzle Out

When I think about a group of friends, I think about two dynamics:

1. The relationship each member has to the group

2. The relationships you have with each member of the group

The first dynamic is what the big group chat revolves around. It's less about 1:1 relationships and more about where each member fits into the collective. You'll have the funny one, the crazy one, the smart one, etc. Each person is a puzzle piece that adds unique value to the group, creating a well-rounded dynamic.

The second dynamic involves the relationships you have with each member of the group. This is about knowing others as unique individuals, which evolves over time. This is harder to maintain because not everyone in the group will have strong 1:1 relationships with all others.

When the friend group is first created, it's often easy to keep both dynamics strong. Being on a college campus, for example, means seeing each other multiple times per week. You spend time with individuals and the group frequently, catching up on deeper topics in smaller settings. In group settings, shooting the $hit is encouraged. Asking about a friend's family during a game of century cup (i.e. 100 cup beer pong) in a college basement, however, isn't as well received….

The next stage is often where friend groups begin to fizzle out. This could be graduating college, moving to different places, members getting into serious relationships, or meeting new friend groups. These changes can lead to fewer group experiences. Since you aren't as close with each member individually, you may only hear their updates through surface-level group chat conversation and you begin to lose out on deeper 1:1 dynamics.

This causes you to have a naïve view of others as being the same as they were in the initial phase of the group. Meanwhile, the friend who drank the most may now be sober, the crazy one may have settled into a routine, and everyone’s interests/hobbies/passions may have changed.

You lose many important parts of the group dynamic. When combined with weakening 1:1 relationships, the people who once loved the group may no longer feel a strong connection to it.

That's why I think it's so important to emphasize intra-group relationships. If you keep these strong and understand how people in the group are evolving, you can understand how the group itself will evolve.

Devin's Finds:

📰 How to be a guest (1 minute read): As you head into summer and start making more plans with different friend groups, it’s important to remember how to be a good guest. These are four of the most repeated pointers from party planners, restaurateurs, musicians, socialites and many other extremely social people.

📰 How communities emerge - Part One (15 minute read): This is the second time I’m mentioning this because it is so relevant to this topic. Our friend groups are a form of community and a lot goes into them emerging. We all have the innate desire to connect, but to form a friend group you need a shared medium (college), shared interests (sports and hectic schedule) and much more. 

🎞 1 minute Instagram reel reminder that you shouldn’t have to chase true friends or friend groups, people make time for who they want to make time for ⬇

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Best of luck building,

Devin