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4 Important Takeaways from a Relationship Expert Who Changed My Life
We can all learn something from the genuine connections Begho Ukueberuwa made in his lifetime.
Devin Keane
May 08, 2024
Welcome to buildbetter, your weekly guide to understanding and building meaningful relationships in all aspects of your life.
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Today at a glance:
This newsletter is a bit different. One year ago today, I lost a friend that personified everything that buildbetter is. He was one of those people that effortlessly created deep and meaningful relationships with everyone he crossed paths with.
Today, I’ll share the buildbetter newsletter from one year ago covering my learnings and aspirations to be like Begho Ukueberuwa when building meaningful relationships.
In loving memory of Begho Ukueberuwa
Begho Ukueberuwa. This is a name most of you may have never heard before (although if you have, I would not be surprised). To me and all of those who surrounded him, he was one of the most impressive, up and coming superconnectors around. From an Agent at Creative Arts Agency ("CAA") in the Motion Pictures Group, to more recently a Development Executive for Film and TV at the new production company, Fat City, Begho was in an industry that suited his skills well. He was one of the people I had hoped to one day interview for buildbetter, to share his insights about building meaningful relationships with you.
Begho passed away on May 8, 2023 at only 27 years old while embarking on the noble challenge of running a half-marathon—he had been training months for it. I didn’t get to see more of the incredible things my friend was undoubtedly going to accomplish but I’m going to bring him with me as I try follow in his footsteps.
With all of that said, today we will look at one of the most impressive examples of a young superconnector paving his path and try to learn from some of the things that seemed to come naturally to him.
You may expect to learn some profound cheat codes that Begho followed to connect with, relate to, and leave a lasting impact on people. But it’s way more simple than that, and actually what this newsletter sets out to teach: Stop networking for networking's sake with anyone and everyone. Shift to finding the connections that you can truly relate to and learn from your whole life. This goes beyond merely building professional value, it helps create relationships that lead to personal happiness.
Whether you spoke to Begho for 10 minutes or you knew him for a decade, you quickly realized that making meaningful connections—the kind that felt like no time had passed between run-ins—came naturally to Begho. How did this happen? Maybe it was his nomadic lifestyle, having lived in New York, New Jersey, Canada, Texas, California, and Seattle. Or perhaps it was his sincerity, genuine interest to learn about others, ability to relate to others, and various academic and social experiences that positioned him at the center of so many people's networks across the globe.
Whatever "it" was, Begho had it. He had it in a way that you would think he dedicated his whole life to perfecting a system for maintaining connections. In reality, it was something he was born with and got better and better at as time went on. It’s why 500+ people from all over the globe showed up for his funeral. We can all learn from Begho.
4 Things I Learned About Building Relationships from Begho, so We Can All Be Like Begho (BLB):
1. Listen More Than You Speak and Always Have an Opinion
Tip: People like to hear their own voices. They talk about themselves, their interests, what they are up to, new ideas they have, their opinions, etc. The more you let someone talk, the easier it is for them to remember that conversation as having "gone well". Unfortunately, that isn't enough to define a good relationship. To get to that point, you need to have an opinion on what they say. If you aren't familiar with the topic, ask questions to show your interest. This will make them feel heard and it's a great way to set the stage to build upon the relationship.
BLB: Begho had a knack for pulling the more obscure and interesting takes out of conversations with people. After making you feel seen, he’d relate it to one of his unique adventures, favorite niche films, or shared experience with another exceptional friend (who he would then introduce you to the next day).
2. Don't be Afraid to Bring an Interesting Take to a Conversation
Tip: An interesting take doesn't need to be contentious. If it is delivered genuinely, it can actually create a stronger and more memorable bond. I would never recommend taking everything that someone says at face value, but being able to comfortably receive new ideas opens up doors to new interests, engaging conversations, and knowledge transfer. There’s a reason café culture dates back to the 16th century, where coffeehouses were not only places to gather, but also artistic and intellectual centers.
BLB: Begho never failed to bring some flair to a conversation, whether fascinating or contrarian. This was someone that could walk you through the sculpting styles used throughout The MET, then comment on the seven new genres of music you may be interested in while en-route to his favorite bagel place in NYC (while ferociously claiming it doesn’t come close to a New Jersey bagel. Yes, I remained friends with him after those claims…). Begho's enthusiastic participation in every conversation is one of the reasons people gravitated towards him wherever he went.
3. Follow Your Interests and Align with People that Help you Lean into Them
Tip: You can't fake connections and if you try to, they aren't going to last. Professional and personal connections need to have the right foundation. What excites you? What do you want to learn? What are you working on? Talk about those things with people. If they don't want to listen and they don't show genuine interest, they aren't a relationship worth nurturing.
BLB: People define a path for success in every industry. Begho swiftly crumpled that up, tossed it in the trash, and said, "I am going to do things my way." He followed his interests, which led him to some incredible people who he could share those interests with. This created new interests, more relationships to share them with, all while happily following his own path.
4. Create a Habit of Sending Things to People that Make You Think of Them
Tip: It doesn't take much to show someone they’re on your mind—to put a smile on their face because something reminded you of them. Its quick and low touch. It’s a short article you came across, a picture relating to an inside joke, a podcast you think they would find interesting. It's not a mandatory back and forth conversation, rather just a nudge to remind them you appreciate them. Something as little as that keeps both the connection warm and helps strengthen relationships over time.
BLB: Begho's ability to make someone feel seen, thought about, and valued knew no bounds. He would never hold back on sending something that reminded him of you just because. He would introduce you to new things he thought you would appreciate or even better, he would try things out he knows you like just to give you his take on it. Begho always went the extra mile and it shows in the strong bonds he created.
Don’t strive to be what others consider great. Strive to follow your interests each day. Strive to prioritize the meaningful relationships on that journey and make sure those people know you’re doing that. Strive to be someone who, when you are at your final days, can look back and be proud of the person you are and the connections you made and kept.
I’ll be trying to hone the craft that came naturally to him. Hopefully when I’m 80 or 90, I can look back and have done half as good of a job as he did by 27. Then I’ll know I can look back on my life with a big smile and sense of tremendous pride.
Make sure you’re following what makes you happy and that you're working on the relationships around you.
Miss you bud
It doesn't take too much to build relationships, here's what I'm committing to this week:
❤ Spending quality time with my mom and grandma on mother’s day
🎷 Celebrating a friends birthday at a jazz club
🍔 Grabbing dinner with fellow CMU soccer alumni
🤍 Reaching out to other friends that lost Begho from their lives one year ago
What are you committing to this week? Reply to this email!
Best of luck building,
Devin