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How to Combat Loneliness in a World Manufactured for it

Understanding the psychology of loneliness and and what it means for connecting.

Welcome to buildbetter, a weekly newsletter where I provide actionable ideas helping you understand and build meaningful relationships—in every aspect of your life.

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Read time: 6 minutes

Today at a glance:

  • Topic: The psychology of loneliness

  • Tactic: Gratitude towards relationships

  • Quote: On positive future of relationships

  • App Recommendation: Gratitude Plus

  • Today's Finds: 🎧, 📰, 🎞

  • Commitments: 🤝

I know what keeps you up at night…constant ruminations around why loneliness still exists…

Because if it can cause us so much pain, shouldn’t it be weeded out through evolution by now? Was everything Darwin said wrong? 

It turns out that’s not the case. So if you're not obsessed with connectivity and the persistence of loneliness, I’ve thought enough about it to explain in just a few minutes.

The Psychology of Loneliness

There are many scenarios when we feel lonely. Sometimes we truly are alone, either in the physical sense (people that matter are not close by), or the relationship sense (we lack deeper relationships or a sense of community).

At other times, we are transitioning through different life stages—college to the professional world, moving cities, entering committed relationships, and more, during which we have to adjust to a new normal with people we felt close with previously. When this happens, we go from having a built-in community through school, work, or hobbies, to adjusting to new communities and trying to keep up with connections from the former ones. That transition creates nostalgia and loneliness.

It's one of the reasons loneliness is felt at higher rates for Millennials and Gen Z,—the sheer amount of major life transitions that take place in the periods of life they are going through.

But why do we feel lonely if we aren't technically alone during these transitions and other times? Well, we fall into the habit of anticipating a future loneliness, which causes our minds to create a fear response similar to catastrophizing or future prepping. In other words, we try to avoid feelings of loneliness by artificially mimicking the feeling to prepare ourselves for when the situation may occur in the future.

Beyond catastrophizing, there's an evolutionary reason for the feeling of loneliness. Although, today, we know that social health is an important contributor to mental health and broader holistic health, if you look back further it was even more important to our ancestors. Back then, we needed to be part of a tribe to guarantee security, access to food, water, shelter, mating partners and protection. Feelings of loneliness are a protection mechanism in our brain drawing us back to a group…and part of our brain still thinks like that.

In this sense, loneliness is very similar to hunger or thirst. It reminds us to connect with others to ensure survival the same way hunger and thirst protect our physical health.

Tactic: Gratitude Towards Relationships

It's a common trap to tell yourself you don't have anyone to reach out to or that no one cares. When that happens (or if it's happening now), take 20 minutes and write out a list of people who have had an impact on you. It could be friends, family, past colleagues, or even acquaintances. If you are having trouble, checking your recent texts or DMs can be a good place to start.

After writing out that list, choose some of the people and write why you are grateful for them. It could be a specific experience (a time they made you laugh) or something that you feel defines them (a loyal friend).

These are people you can probably reach back out to today to start up a conversation and bring back into your life. If you do, it may even feel like no time has passed. If you are looking for good ways to start the convo, check out these tips.

Quote on a Positive Future

“You haven't yet met all the people who will love you.”

We really have no idea how many meaningful relationships we have yet to make. Keep your head up if the stage you’re at is feels a bit extra lonely.

App Recommendation: Gratitude Plus Journal

This section is not sponsored. These are recs for things I've used, researched or vetted.

What is it?

Gratitude Plus is a social take on the old way of gratitude journaling. If you aren't familiar, gratitude journaling consists of writing a few things down that you are grateful for on a regular basis. That alone has massive benefits for deepening important relationships, improving mental health (feeling happier, reducing stress, and deepening resilience) and boosting your physical health (immunity and heart health). Learn more about that here!

Gratitude Plus allows you to write down things you are grateful for and then post it to their community anonymously. You then see a feed of thousands of others also mentioning what they are grateful for. In that feed you can support other gratitude messages with a "👏" or "♥."

You also have the option to have a "gratitude circle," where you can share your gratitude posts privately with close friends and family, further deepening your respective relationships.

Beyond building a habit around gratitude, you also can use it as a mood tracker by selecting one of their mood emojis each day.

My Experience So Far:

I've used other gratitude apps in the past but none have had this social aspect to it, which I love! Not only does reading other people's gratitude posts make me want to share, but when I am notified that someone has anonymously supported my post, it makes me want to post more gratitude. Beyond that, the app helps remind me of previous gratitude which has made me more appreciative and boosts my mood (which you can also track in the app).

I also tend to use at least part of the gratitude entry to give gratitude towards one of my friendships. I've noticed this helps me think of them in a positive light and makes it easier to reach back out to them if I'm feeling lonely.

Finally, I've yet to try out the private circles feature, but I'm planning on doing so with my grandpa to see how it helps me connect more often with him!

Today's Finds:

🎧 The Psychology of Your 20s podcast - Loneliness is not your enemy! (~40 minute listen): In this podcast, Jemma Sbeg breaks down the psychological, biological, and evolutionary underpinnings of loneliness and why some drastic life changes in your 20s often create periods of feeling this way. I drew much of my inspiration for this buildbetter from here! Follow along on Insta.

📰 5 Ways to Reach Out When You're Feeling Lonely (4 min read): Actionable advice from clinical psychologist and friendship expert, Dr. Miriam Kirmayer. These are five approaches (with actual examples) that I would feel comfortable trying right now if I was about to reach out to someone but feeling "awkward" or that "it had been too long.”

🎞 Consideration is Key (1 min Instagram reel below): I personally view gratitude as a deep form of consideration. This is a short reel on why consideration for your relationship can lead to a fulfilling life.

It doesn't take too much to build relationships, here's what I'm committing to this week:

  • ⚽ Co-hosting Pitch on the Pitch: Soccer Networking for Tech, on Thursday at 7pm ET. Sign up on Luma or Conquer! (~2 hours)

  • 📞 Giving my brother a ring to catch up about our weeks (~30 minutes)

  • 🤳 Facetiming my old college roommates to get their life updates (~1 hour)

  • 🎂 Spending time with a close friend for her birthday (~2 hours)

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Best of luck building,

Devin