7 Ways to be a Loud Listener Using Positive Body Language

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Read time: 5 minutes

Today at a glance:

• Topic: The role of body language in connecting with others

• Tactic: Positive body language

• Devin's Finds: 📕, 🗣, 🎞

• Commitments: 🤝

I used to play poker a lot in high school. In fact I was a bit obsessed - regularly playing 4 or 5 times a week with friends. Through all of those games, I picked up a habit. No, it wasn't gambling. It was observing people's body language.

The poker was fun, but figuring out what was going through people's heads, identifying subtle tells and watching for patterns is what kept me coming back.

These observation habits started to transfer over into my day to day life. I'd pay attention to the different "tells" that could be taking place in any conversation.

From the obvious ones:

• Bouncing their legs

• Playing with their hair

• Picking at their fingers

To the more subtle ones:

• Smiling with or without their eyes

• The positioning of their arms and hands

• If they had a slight head tilt to a certain side

I even measured their breathing patterns! Alright, not actually.. if you actually do this, maybe consider a new line of work…

I would pay attention to the conversations that made me feel very connected to friends, family, and colleagues and try incorporating some of the same body language in other discussions.

Something amazing started to happen. People began to open up more, conversations started to flow more smoothly, and it was easier to connect with new and old relationships—no matter the context.

But why did a change in body language make such an impact on how I connected?

The Role of Body Language in Connecting With Others

Surprisingly, body language matters the most when it comes to connecting because it tells us the most. Professor Albert Mehrabian’s 7-38-55 rule of personal communication tells us that 7% of communication is verbal, 38% is tonality, and 55% is facial and body expressions.

Our words tell a very small part of the story. Meanwhile our bodies show:

• The underlying emotion for what is said

• Our interest and engagement towards a person

• If we actually agree with the words coming out of our mouth

Many of these non-verbal, micro expressions or tendencies are uncontrollable. Because of this, they paint a more accurate picture of the truth behind our words before we can consciously adjust our behavior.

Vast knowledge of body language helps you become more aware of what someone is really saying, which helps increase your emotional intelligence. Increasing your emotional intelligence enhances the quality of your relationships.

Similarly, effective practice of positive body language helps signal interest, openness, understanding, and trust with the relationships that matter.

Tactic: Creating Positive Body Language

Some people are born with a natural gift for body language, but anybody can improve their body language through a bit of practice.

That doesn’t mean you should go ahead and memorize all the gestures that people use and what they could mean (because biologist Desmond Morris has classified 3,000+ different gestures already).

Instead, try these simple techniques to create positive body language:

Tilted head in conversations

This signals vulnerability, interest, and understanding.

The movement originates in the animal world, where your neck is your most vulnerable spot. Naturally baring your neck to another is then an act of trust, or a way to show that you are fully engaged and interested. (If you've ever seen your dog tilt their head in response to a certain voice, word, or noise, you know what I mean.) 

This is one of my favorite ways to be a "loud listener" and show I am deeply engaged and interested in what someone has to say.

Smiling

This signals friendly intentions.

In earlier times, smiling was used to show you belonged to the same group. It's more frequently used now to break the ice or create positive feelings between you and others. Research even shows that smiling and laughing regularly helps your conversations run more smoothly, last longer, and yield more positive results. But don't glue a smile onto your face 100% of the time because it can begin to have the opposite effect.

It makes me think back to my elementary school days when the lunch lady gave me the nickname smiley. Was it because she thought I was a weirdo or because she genuinely enjoyed seeing me?

Leaning the upper body forward

This signals a positive attitude and interest.

It's quite common for us to lean in whenever we are focused or engaged with something. When you are on the edge of the seat for a movie or on your last video game life and you lean in closer to the screen. Doing this in a conversation shows your counterpart you care deeply about what they are saying.

Mirroring body language

This signals approval and similar opinions.

This is a great way to make someone else feel accepted and as a result can create a sense of mutuality. Friends and loved ones tend to naturally do this already. But if you are meeting someone new for the first time, try to copy aspects of their body position, movements and expressions to connect better. People are comfortable when they see their reflection in someone else.

Eye contact

This signals interest and engagement in a conversation.

The tricky part about eye contact is how much you should make. Research shows that we should maintain ~50% eye contact when speaking and ~70% when listening.

When holding eye contact for too long it can be considered staring, which signals aggression. While making little to no eye contact often signals being uninterested. Both too much or too little will come off as socially awkward.

Nodding your head along with conversation

This signals acceptance, listening, and paying attention.

This is one of the key ingredients to being what I call a "loud listener." It actively shows people you are engaged with what they are saying and quite honestly, it will help you focus on listening instead of being distracted by random thoughts.

Handshake with two hands

This signals trust and warm feelings.

This goes for a handshake or any other greeting/farewell gestures you may make. Incorporating your second hand or a tap on the elbow or shoulder as you interact with the other demonstrates closeness. You have to be aware of the other person's personal space to make sure you are not intruding but generally speaking, the higher you place your hand on the other person's arm, the closer you are showing you are to them.

Next time you are having a good conversation, make sure to lean in slightly, nod along, tilt your head when they mention something particularly interesting, and keep a good amount of eye contact. But maybe not all at once, or you’ll look like you’re doing some sort of interpretive dance.

Devin's Finds:

Without Saying A Word by Kasia and Patryk Wezowski (~200 page book): This book was originally suggested by a buildbetter subscriber and I couldn’t be happier with the purchase. It’s less of a narrative and more of a book you can pick up, jump to a section, and understand the science behind common body language to leverage it for your success in anything (connecting, negotiation, sales, etc.). I’d recommend it if you are fascinated in learning more about body language and what it says about others.

Reading minds through body language (11 minute TEDx talk): Lynne Franklin gives a TED talk on how to better connect with three types of people (lookers, listeners, and touchers) by understanding how their bodies communicate. I learned I fall into the largest category type, “lookers,” which means my brain often thinks in pictures and images as opposed to words or feelings. A dead giveaway for lookers is that we look up when we try remembering something we’ve seen as opposed to sideways (listeners) or downwards (touchers).

A reminder that even as kids, we pick up on body language. Many times, negative body language can be worse than what you say with words (1 minute video) ⬇

Best of luck building,

Devin