7 Ways to Read the Room Better

1. Use Every Social Situation to Practice

IQ is great for many things, but when it comes to reading people, EQ wins the day. People will have different quirks and responses in different situations. It’s your job to pick up on these and figure out the underlying meaning. That means the world is your oyster when it comes to practice. Hanging with family, working with colleagues, meeting someone new for the first time? Make a habit of actively looking for patterns, ticks, tells and more.

Try this: Take mental notes of when people are picking at fingers, bouncing their legs, or have that thousand mile stare (meaning you've totally lost them) when something is mentioned. Learning to pick up on these microexpressions gives you valuable information on interpreting the person in question.

2. Understand Who You Are Talking to

Are you speaking with a Wall Street banker or a marketing specialist? Are they an intern or a director? It's important to know how to talk to people in different industries and at different levels. Using the same tone and approach with everyone can come off as ignorant and disrespectful.

Try this: Figure out the context of the conversation you are about to enter and recognize the reasons why you’re both there before even starting a conversation. Use that input to steer the conversation in a mutually productive way, one that avoids wasting each other's time and can be considered a mutually beneficial outcome.

3. Improve Your Focus

We're all born with this quality of being self-centered by nature—it’s actually our brain’s default setting. That means when we are speaking with someone, we are often more focused on what we want to say in response, the emails we haven't checked, the fun dinner plans we have later, or thinking about anything other than what the other person is saying. We need to fight these urges and focus on being present, engaged, making eye contact and showing them we are paying attention. While you are making an effort to listen, remember to study what they are doing. Notice their body language and any non-verbal queues.

Try this: Be a mirror. “Mirroring” is a negotiating and conversation tactic I learned about after reading Chris Voss' Never Split the Difference. Simply take a few key words or message that someone is telling you about and repeat it back to them. For example:

Person A: "this heat wave is unbearable"

Person B: "It really is hot lately, I can't wait for the weather to cool"

Mirroring insinuates similarity, and as a result facilitates bonding. Beyond that, when practicing mirroring you are forced to focus on what they are saying in order to repeat parts back to them. Mirroring will help show you are engaged and listening, which people will appreciate.

4. Study Facial Expressions

The 7-38-55 rule tells us that 7% of communication is verbal, 38% is tonality, and 55% is facial and body expressions. If you are ignoring the latter, you are missing the full picture. By using information from facial expressions, you can quickly fine-tune, simplify, or dig deeper for a "why" when having a conversation.

Try this: Study a few of the common ways people express emotions through facial expressions with a snippet from today's cheat sheet:

Avoiding eye contact = Uncertainty, shyness, or something to hide

Larger eyes & raising the upper eyebrow = Amazement

Eyes narrowed & eyebrows turned down = Displeasure, superiority, or contempt

Sideways glance & head also turned slightly sideways with eyebrows turned down = Disbelief, reluctance, distrust, or disapproval

Raising one eyebrow = Disbelief

Pursed lips = Lack of acceptance

Source: Without saying a Word by Kasia Wezowski

5. Prioritize Them Over You

If people are naturally most interested in what they themselves have to say, then let them say it! Allow the person you are talking with to talk about themselves, ask questions related to their work, and make sure to get them as involved as possible in the conversation. Not only will they remember the conversation as going well, but they will think you're interesting without having to say much at all.

Try this: Aim for your counterpart doing 70% or more of the talking. Focus on asking open-ended questions related to the conversation and what they are having it for. Ask for clarification if you don't understand something. Outwardly mention that things are very interesting and that you want to understand more about them. The rest will fall into place.

6. Don't Let Egos Get in the Way

This one is straightforward but can be hard in practice. When a disagreement happens, it's important not to let the situation escalate. No one really "wins" an argument. The winner's high is short-lived and the loser surely doesn't leave the conversation thanking anyone, they only leave with resentment.

Try this: Even if you know the other person is wrong, don't argue it to the point where tensions are so high that someone storms off. Take a respectful approach and start with "I may be wrong, but I thought this" and have a conversation exploring the topic. Avoid strong emotions and be okay with leaving the conversation thinking "his perspective is wrong or I don't agree with it, but the conversation was helpful nonetheless."

7. Jot Down Notes

If you are speaking with these people regularly, it'll be useful to begin learning their unique tendencies. It's great to make a mental note, but there is no substitute for jotting it down somewhere you can refer back to.

Try this: Pick three people you have regular conversations with. Next time you have a conversation with them, jot down one facial expression or micro expression that you picked up on and speculate what emotion it is tied to. When you have future conversations with them, be on the lookout to prove out your theory.

It doesn't take too much to build relationships, here's what I'm committing to this week:

• ⚽ Playing soccer with friends I haven’t seen in over one month

• 🎶 Seeing the Head and the Heart concert with family

• 🍕 Celebrating my fiancée's belated birthday at her favorite dinner spot

What are you committing to this week? Reply to this email!